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VOTERS' JOKES ABOUT MANUEL MANOY ALIPON

Everybody in Santa Rosa is laughing at the most
corrupt Vice Mayor that Laguna has ever had,
who travels in convoy of illegal private army
pretending to be the nation's President!!!

If you have recently heard a different Manoy joke,
or variation to a joke already sent, just send email
to: jokes@manuelgonzalesalipon.com

Manuel Manoy Alipon's acknowledged specialty as Santa Rosa's City Vice Mayor was math.
He subtracted honesty, added corruption, divided public funds and multiplied poverty.

Satan: "Moron, your campaign's faked teenage picture failed to get you re-elected. You're a loser!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Only at City Hall, Boss, so now I want to control Barangay Balibago again."
Satan: "They'll never make you Captain again, you imbecile, after the corrupt mess that you left them in!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "But I can control it again through my friends, my sons and my soldiers, Boss."
Satan: "Everyone knows that it's you they represent, and you're a loser, Moron! Your methods won't work!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Everyone know what happen in Cotabato, Boss, and will be scared to oppose me."
Satan: "You cretin! Nobody's scared of you any more. Your cronies, kids and private army will fail just like you!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Why? What do you mean, Boss? I don't understand."
Satan: "The councilors are not stupid like you, Moron. Already they know they are better leaders than you!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "But we can rig the election, Boss, just like we did it before."
Satan: "The councilors know exactly how you operate, you dummkopf, and next time they will stop you!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Not if we bribe or threaten them all, Boss."
Satan: "Moron, that's how you've always operated. It's too late. You've really blown it big time. You're a loser!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "I don't understand, Boss. Why can't we do it again? "
Satan: "Nobody will ever fall for any of your tricks again, Manuel Moron Alipon. You're out of it. You're history.
You've lost all credibility with everyone everywhere. Nobody trusts you any more.
You're a loser. You're a traitor. You're no use to anyone. You're a total shit,
SO GET BACK TO STOKING THE FIRES OF HELL!!"

Q: What is the difference between Manuel Manoy Gonzales Alipon and a mosquito?
A: Alipon is a lying blood-sucking parasite. Mosquito is a flying blood-sucking parasite.

Satan: "Admit it, Moron, you've lost the 2010 election!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Not yet, Boss, I can delay some precinct returns."
Satan: "What's the point, Moron, when already you're too far behind?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Not if I bribe officials in charge of late precincts, Boss."
Satan: "Moron, you will not only lose the election but end up in jail."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Not if I bribe lawyers and judges, Boss."
Satan: "Ha ha ha, Moron, you make me laugh. Your corruption is out of control."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "What do you mean, Boss? I don't understand."
Satan: "That's the sad truth, Moron, you never understand."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Then what do you suggest, Boss?"
Satan: "I have a job for you that even you can't ever screw up."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "A different job for me, Boss, what is it?"
Satan: "Starting tomorrow you'll be joining the crew that stokes the fires of Hell."

In preparation for the 2010 election Manuel Manoy Alipon visited an image consultant.
Image Consultant: "How may I help you?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "I need a new image."
Image Consultant: "For what purpose?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "For my election campaign."
Image Consultant: "What do you want to change?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "I want to look 35 years younger, and innocent."
Image Consultant: "It's a very big change. Why does it have to be so drastic?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Because voters know I'm middle-aged and corrupt."
Image Consultant: "Yes, and I see that's exactly what you look. It will be hugely expensive."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "No problem. I can pay for anything I want out of public funds."
Image Consultant: "Then let's get started right away. You'll need a complete facelift, followed "
by special daily spa and salon treatments, your hair must be cut shorter and redyed brown
every day to hide the grey roots, you must stop wearing glasses, you must have braces
fitted to your teeth, you must wear makeup for public appearances, and you will be
trained to give convincing fake smiles because your present forced smile shows
much too clearly how greedy, hypocritical and corrupt you really are."

Satan: "Why do you dye your hair, wear makeup and put braces on your teeth?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "To make me look young and innocent, Boss."
Satan: "Already everyone knows that you are a total shit!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Some voters don't know what I look like, Boss."
Satan: "They know you're a crook by name. Now you're a crook with dyed hair, makeup and braces!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "If they think I'm young and innocent they might vote for me, Boss."
Satan: "Ha ha ha, Moron, nobody could ever think you're young and innocent!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Why not, Boss? I don't understand you. What do you mean?"
Satan: "All the voters know you work for me, you imbecile! Do they think I'm young and innocent?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "They might, Boss, if you dye your hair, wear makeup and put braces on your teeth."
Satan: "Moron you just don't get it. You haven't got a hope in Hell of ever being re-elected!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "All I need is some backing from you, Boss. Why don't you want to help me?"
Satan: "Because I've seen how you trick your backers, Moron, and it brings me nothing but trouble!"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "But that's my specialty, Boss! Tricking people is the only thing I know how to to do!"
Satan: "Exactly, Moron, and the whole electorate knows it. That's why you've lost all credibility in politics."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Politics is my life, so how else can I bring you more souls, Boss?
Satan: "You don't have the vision, the versatility or the mental agility to be politically useful to anyone, not even yourself.
Politics could have been your life, you asshole, but your blind greed and small-minded bloated ego blew it big time.
You are much better suited to corrupting little kids in your barangay. That's your peak level of competence."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "I've been robbed! The image consultant said my new image was everything I needed!
Satan: "You mean that's what you told him, and I know better. You need a brain transplant, not a new image.
You never pay anything with your own money anyway, you steal it from public funds and local businesses."

Question: What do you call a seminarian gone bad?
Answer: Manuel Manoy Alipon.

Satan: "Why do you tell people you love Jesus when you're one of my most evil disciples?"
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "To get re-elected, Boss."
Satan: "Voters don't believe you after you've been deceiving and robbing them for the past 3 years."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "I'm good at deceiving and robbing voters, Boss. That's what you trained me for."
Satan: "You've got a point there, Moron, but your lack of foresight and discipline cancels it out."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "What do you mean, Boss? I don't understand."
Satan: "Exactly, Moron, you don't understand that for my strategy to succeed I need sublety not confrontation."
Manuel Manoy Alipon: "Why not, Boss? You told me it's a war against Jesus. I'm deceiving his followers like you told me to."
Satan: "But you always go too far, Manuel Moron Alipon, and the backlash is now bringing out the forces of Jesus
in strength. They're much more powerful than mine, and that's why he's still up there and I'm still down here!!!"

Vast network of spies
in all 18 barangays
mean Manoy in 2010 can't buy votes.
Every time his men moved,
it can later be proved
with sound-tapes and photos and notes.

Manoy's haus to haus lies,
secretly taped by the spies,
will let people know he's a fraud.
When they find out the truth,
they will strike like Babe Ruth,
and by rivals be welcomed aboard.

"One day when Santa Rosa City Vice Mayor Manuel Manoy G. Alipon is in his office feebly attempting
to attend to any minor details that might be within his very limited almost nonexistent level of
competence, he receive anonymous telephone call requesting assistance. In brainless panic typical
of person that Sta. Rosa voters nickname "brainless wonder", Manoy refuse accept call and shriek for
help from female staff who unfortunately for him are at lunch. So then he ask his private army. As always
advice of Manoy's thugs and gunmen is kill everyone who give him problem. This is what he pay them for.
He say okay, and gunmen answer call. They discover that caller is his own daughter Beatriz. Manoy Alipon
is such a corrupt adulterous incompetent fool that he is happy to put his own family permanently at risk.
How could anyone in Santa Rosa City ever vote for this morally zero adulterer, obsessive self-lover,
Satan-worshipper and total shit? I wish that his evil Satan worship would not be true but it is."
- Santa Rosa City employee who experience Manoy Alipon's satanism

"People who have known him longest know that in student days Vice Mayor Manuel Manoy Alipon wanted to
model himself on a rich Indian merchant that he read about who kept six wives in different towns without any
of them finding out about the others. Alipon was so overexcited by the first part of this true story that he failed
to read the rest of it. Already he was hyperactively boasting of which six girls he intended to marry and where
he would scatter them around Laguna, Batangas, Cavite and Alabang too far apart ever to meet. But the wives
in the story did eventually find out, and in collusion with a greedy corrupt politician just like Alipon is now they
hired an assassin to kill the merchant and make it look like an accident. They shared the merchant's enormous
wealth equally between the eight people involved so all of them would maintain secrecy. Many years later, after
the six wives had grown old and died from natural causes, the complete story came to light when it was found
that they had jointly kept a secret diary in case the crooked politician ever tried to double cross them. Both the
politician and the assassin were still living when the diary was discovered, and both were executed for murder.
Manoy's anti-Christian corruption is a disgrace to UPHS, to the Catholic Church, to Santa Rosa, and to Laguna."
- Four Alumni of University Of Perpetual Help System, Laguna. (This is true and also a joke. Fact can be funnier than fiction, and here it's tragic too.)

(Neutral noreply Info-Message from our USA Webmaster
Hey Vice Manoy, we have received an email offering you a job
as a Nanny in the UK. It's for a Roman Catholic orphanage,
where you will be strictly supervised by nuns "just in case you
try to lure innocent children to Satan". There is no pay but "if
you repent your sinful corruptions and promise to reform, it
may be possible to provide free accommodation and food".
Santa Rosa City staff tell us: "It's much more than you deserve,
because you are so comprehensively lacking in competence,
honesty, honor, integrity, loyalty, Christian morality, and in any
genuine (not self-promoting) concern for the Filipino people.")

Vice Mayor from Amar rape young girl in his car.
"Why me?" sob the girl, "Why keep me here?"
He boast: "I'm the Czar. I'm a Star.
It is great honor to be f****d by me, dear!"

She cry: "You're no star, I know who you are.
You're the Judas who steal from the poor.
Let me out, or I'll shout.
You're a demon! Just open the door!"

Vice turn to his thugs who drink blood from their mugs.
He tell them to kill the young girl.
"Not gun, use the knife, then I go home to my wife.
All this stress puts my head in a whirl."

City Hall the next day has new name to pay.
"Who is this?" Manoy ask at his post.
Staff tell him: "She's dead, and you cut off her head.
Now she haunt you forever as ghost!"

Manoy and his gang in the City Vice Mayor's office are under an illusion
that their illegal weapons will make them invincible. But their days are
numbered. Manoy has sold their souls to Satan, who is leading them
into a trap. The voters of Sta. Rosa will toss them aside in 2010 like
matchsticks in a tsunami. Then Satan will collect their souls.
The joke is on them!

There once was a Vice Mayor Manoy,
who thought every girl was a toy.
He went out of his way
to invite them to play,
and made himself look like a boy.

But Alipon's boyish disguise
can't hide his evil red eyes.
The girls came in flock,
then cried out in shock,
as Satan collected the prize.

Manuel Manoy Alipon in Satan's office: #2

Manuel Manoy Alipon rejected Jesus to become a disciple of Satan and the most corrupt Vice Mayor in Santa Rosa's history,
and he forgets that his degenerate and inhumane corruptions will always have adverse repercussion to his family,
friends, colleagues, supporters, backers, sponsors and other politicians far beyond Santa Rosa City, Laguna.

Manuel Manoy Alipon in Satan's office: #3

Manuel Manoy Alipon rejected Jesus to become a disciple of Satan and the most corrupt Vice Mayor in Santa Rosa's history,
and he forgets that his degenerate and inhumane corruptions will always have adverse repercussion to his family,
friends, colleagues, supporters, backers, sponsors and other politicians far beyond Santa Rosa City, Laguna.

Manuel Manoy Alipon in Satan's office: #1

Manuel Manoy Alipon rejected Jesus to become a disciple of Satan and the most corrupt Vice Mayor in Santa Rosa's history,
and he forgets that his degenerate and inhumane corruptions will always have adverse repercussion to his family,
friends, colleagues, supporters, backers, sponsors and other politicians far beyond Santa Rosa City, Laguna.

20 Sta. Rosa prostitutes were asked if they would sleep with
City Vice Mayor Alipon. 17 of them said: "Never again."

Manoy is discussing food with some of the city workers.
"My wife is now on diet of coconuts and bananas," he says.
She never lose weight, but she learns how to climb a tree."

Vice Mayor Alipon goes into church and enters the confessional.
Manoy: "Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman".
Priest: "Was it Mrs Espinas?"
Manoy: "No, Father."
Priest: "Was it Mrs Patrimonio?"
Manoy: "No, Father."
Priest: "Was it Mrs. Cortez?"
Manoy: "No, Father."
So the priest tells him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman.
Back outside, his gunmen are curious. "How did you do?" they ask.
Manoy replies: "Fantastic, I tell priest nothing and he give me 3 hot prospects!"

Vice Mayor Manuel Manoy Alipon is talking with Man-Ali truck
drivers and says: "I've been in love with the same woman
for several years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me."

Manoy: "My wife is a liar."
Guard: "Why do you say that?"
Manoy: "Our cleaner tell me she not come home last night."
Guard: "Where does she go?"
Manoy: "She say she spend night with her best friend."
Guard: "So what's wrong?"
Manoy: "I am with her best friend all last night."

Manoy: "I don't go to church as much as I used to."
Nun: "Is it because you are too busy?"
Manoy: "No, it's because so many hypocrites are there."
Nun: "Don't let that keep you away, Vice Mayor. There's always room for one more."

Manuel Manoy Alipon is chatting with friends and employees: "My wife
and I have the best secret to making our marriage last," he says.
"Two times a week, we go to our favorite restaurant for good
food and wine. She goes Mondays, I go Fridays."

On return from vacation, Manuel Manoy Alipon says to Sta. Rosa City workers:
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

Manuel Manoy Alipon and his gunmen were on a ferry that was sinking. An emergency
announcement over the ship's loudspeakers directed women to the lifeboats.
"Screw the women!" screeched Manoy, desperately clawing his way to the front.
"Not now, Vice," exclaimed his gunmen, "You don't have time!"

Manuel Manoy Alipon and his gunmen are on the lower deck of a ferry in rough sea.
Turning green, Manoy rushes to the side and vomits over the front of his clean shirt.
He points to a man on the upper deck and shrieks to his gunmen: "Beat that man and lock
him up for an hour because he vomited over my shirt!" Then he goes to his cabin and rests.
Three hours later the sea is calm, and Manoy comes out in fresh clothes. Seing a badly beaten
man locked up by his gunmen, he asks: "Why is he still here? I said one hour." His gunmen
reply: "When your laundry was collected we saw that he must have shat in your pants too."

Q: What would happen if Vice Mayor Alipon fell out of a plane over the sea?
A: Instead of the only shark in town, he'd be one of thousands in the ocean.

Q: Why did the sharks eat all the people in the water except Manoy Alipon after the boat sank?
A: Professional courtesy.

Manuel Manoy Alipon is not fit to sleep with pigs.
We support animal rights. Pigs deserve better.

We would probably find Vice Mayor Alipon more interesting
had we studied monkeys at university, but don't get us wrong.
We are not trying to make a monkey out of Manoy.
He fully deserves all the credit he gets for this.

People can't say that Manuel Manoy Alipon has no relevant qualities. His inferiority,
incompetence, untrustworthiness, greed, corruption and depravity are all relevant.

Q: Why does Manoy think he is so wonderful when nobody else thinks this?
A: Satan told him that eating balut would turn him into Superman.

Manoy is bulls******g when he says he started from nothing
and achieved something. The accurate version is he started
from seminary and religion then achieved depravity and corruption.


Manuel Manoy Alipon rejected Jesus to become a disciple of Satan
and the most corrupt Vice Mayor in Santa Rosa's history

Q: Why did Manoy become a corrupt politician after attending a Catholic seminary?
A: Satan told him that crucifix was an abbreviation for crooked fixer.

Q: How on earth did you bump into a demon from hell?
A: We visited the Vice Mayor's office.

Nobody can have a higher opinion of Manoy than the Balibago residents
have, and they all think he is an obnoxious untrustworthy degenerate.

One Day Satan and Manoy challenged Jesus and St. Peter to
a badminton doubles match. St. Peter said: "But Jesus can
work all kinds of miracles far beyond the power of Satan,
so how could you possibly win?" Manoy just sneered:
"I always bribe the umpire."

Senator: "Would you sleep with me for 5 million pesos?"
Manoy: "We would have to discuss terms."
Senator: "Would you sleep with me for 5 pesos?"
Manoy: "What kind of Vice Mayor do you think I am?"
Senator: "Manoy, we have already established that,
so we are merely haggling about the price."

Manoy is so crooked that he is beginning to disappear up his own rear end.

Someone in the USA invented a thief-catching machine, and it
was so effective that they started to export them. These machines
reduced robberies all around the world except for the one they
exported to the Philippines, where Manoy stole it.

Vice Mayor Manuel Manoy Alipon and his gunmen are outside the entrance to Heaven.
St. Peter sees them creeping up to the Pearly Gates, so he runs to God and asks:
"God, Manoy and his gang of armed Satan worshipers are at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?".
God replies, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Direct them down to Hell."
St. Peter goes to obey God's command and comes rushing back crying: "God, they're gone!"
"Calm yourself, Peter," hushes God. "Now tell me. Who has gone? The Satan worshipers?"
St. Peter cries out in anguish: "No, the Pearly Gates! Vice Mayor Alipon has stolen them!"

Some people bring everyone happiness.
Manoy Alipon brings everyone depression.

Manoy is a nothing but a 'red herring'.
Red because he is a disciple of Satan.
Herring because everything he does is fishy.

Vice Manoy wants to be somebody,
so why does he have to be him?

We do not know what makes Manoy Alipon so screwed up,
but whatever it is, it works.

Q: Why is Dishon. Manuel Manoy Alipon proof of reincarnation?
A: He could not have gotten so screwed up in one lifetime.

Manoy - the aptly named man of vice - has such a big mouth that
he can eat bananas sideways and talk bulls**t at the same time.

Manoy and his accomplice had broken into a luxury condo to steal
the owner's valuables, when a police siren was sounded outside.
Manoy: "Oh! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window."
Accomplice: "But this is the 13th floor."
Manoy: "Hurry! This is no time for superstitions."
After the accomplice has jumped to his death on the concrete below,
Manoy stuffs jewelry into his pockets, walks out the front door and
tells the police: "I am City Vice Mayor of Sta. Rosa visiting friends here.
When we look out the window we see someone fall from apartment on
13th floor." Having sold the jewelry, he later states under oath that he
does not know the dead burglar and has never seen him before."

One night Manoy is burgling a house in one of Sta. Rosa's most expensive subdivisions.
In the dark he hears a voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
After shining his flashlight around nervously, Manoy continues to look for valuables.
The voice repeats: "Jesus is watching you."
He shines his flashlight around even more nervously and sees a parrot in its cage.
Manoy: "Did you say that?"
Parrot: "I was just trying to warn you, that's all."
Manoy: "Why? Who are you? What's your name?"
Parrot: "I'm proud to say my name is Moses."
Manoy: "I don't believe you. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
Parrot: "The same people who named a Rottweiler 'Jesus', and he loves to eat burglars!"

Vice Manoy has delusions of competence.
Is he a moron, or is he only retarded?

Why does Vice Mayor Manoy get up in the morning?
We're not being rude; it’s just that he doesn't matter.

Q: What does Manoy do on vacation?
A: He has a Devil of a time

Q: What language does Manoy speak?
A: Devilish

We could never have a more corrupt Vice Mayor. For Manoy to
be more corrupt he must steal from himself, because he is the
only person in Sta. Rosa that he does not already steal from.

If constituents have ever said anything that offends
Manuel Manoy Alipon, it's only because he really earned it
and because they really meant it.

Manoy and Satan challenge Jesus and St. Peter to see whose team can produce
the best campaign presentation in just 2 hours. They sit at desks facing each
other like in a duel with a computer as each team's weapon. Satan and Manoy seek to
exploit voters' negative thoughts on the agonies of poverty and fears of the future
by tempting them with addictive escapist pleasures. Jesus and St. Peter focus on the
positives such as voters' determination to improve their lives and build a better future
for their children. With only 1 minute left, there's a power cut. Both computers go down
but electricity comes back after a few seconds and soon the contest is over. Jesus and
St. Peter have completed a wonderfully inspirational presentation, but Manoy was wild
and screeched at them: "You cheated! You created a power cut! We lost everything when the
electricity went out!" St. Peter remained calm. "Jesus does not cheat," he replied. "Jesus saves."